


stop and stare (I think I'm moving but I go nowhere)

by smaugthedesolator



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: AU - slight canon divergence, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-23
Updated: 2015-04-23
Packaged: 2018-03-25 10:10:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3806530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smaugthedesolator/pseuds/smaugthedesolator
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: are they staring at me or staring into the space around me i can’t tell and it’s distracting au</p><p>OR</p><p>Lexa notices that Clarke stares at her and wants to figure out what is happening.</p>
            </blockquote>





	stop and stare (I think I'm moving but I go nowhere)

**Author's Note:**

> So this was supposed to be mindless fluff to just get me into writing someone I've not written before andddddd it got a little deeper than that cause I'm literally incapable of not making my characters a little sad?
> 
> I used a lot of elements from canon, and took directly from some scenes, but I did change the dialogue... so it's not EXACTLY the same. 
> 
> This is basically a practice writing thing, so I hope it makes sense... and hopefully as I fulfill more of my practice prompts I'll get a better handle on both of them. Thank you for your time, and I hope you enjoy.

Instincts were an important quality in a commander. Some more important than others. To be swift, and stealthy came with time. Stealth was a skill more useful to spies and the watch. Strength and weapons skill came with training. Anyone could learn given the right amount of dedication, anyone of the trikru who had had the pleasure of training with Octavia of the Sky could attest to that.

But the gonakru didn’t have to think. They did, of course, but it wasn’t required of them. Lexa had to think. She had to think, and decide, and she had to know.

Never before, however, had Lexa had to think so much as when she was in talks with the people of the ark. Skaikru, her people had termed them. Peace negotiations with the other clans was easy in comparison to the simplest of conversations with anyone from the sky. Before meeting them, before Clarke, Lexa had thought that she was a good multitasker.

She was wrong.

\----------------------------------

It wasn’t until the fifth war council that Lexa noticed Clarke staring at her.

Lexa’s eyes flicked away from Clarke immediately. She refused to overthink it. Lexa got stares all the time. All of the so-called leaders of the sky were at least twice Lexa’s age. Lexa was powerful, and young according to them, so it must be a curious thing to see her leading her people. Her clothes and features were harsher, more practical. It was normal to stare when things were different. When people were stunning. Lexa got stares all the time, and so the meeting continued.

\-----------------------------------

Clarke say next to Lexa at dinner. It was customary for leaders to sit next to each other. What wasn’t customary was the way Clarke seemed stare at her while they ate. Lexa saw it out of the corner of her eye. But they were in public, and it would be embarrassing to call attention it.

Embarrassing for who? Lexa wasn’t sure. So she simply took a piece of deer off of her skewer and continued her conversation with Indra, her eyes flicking back to Clarke every so often, trying to catch another moment.

\-------------------------------------

The next meetings went about in very much the same way, and Lexa had found herself wondering just how long she’d missed Clarke’s gaze. She couldn’t ignore it any longer. She was now hyper-aware of those blue eyes.

The last time Lexa had been so aware of another person’s mere presence had been-- No.

Lexa learned that Clarke only stared when she wasn’t talking, and that the exact position of the eyes varied. Five minutes ago, Lexa could be sure that it had been her mouth, and now there was no doubt that Clarke was staring at the hair that fell over her shoulder.

By the sixth war council, Lexa wondered whether Clarke was even looking at her, or whether Clarke’s eyes just defaulted around her when she was thinking. Frankly, it was unnerving.

Four dinners and another war council later, Lexa was actively trying to catch Clarke in the act. The whole council was in her tent trying to talk through yet another strategy and Lexa was sitting in her chair, legs crossed haphazardly her hands clasped before her as she listened to the same tactics that they’d discussed already in detail.

”We don’t have the element of surprise. We know that already.” She was annoyed. They’d been through this already. The mountain men were too advanced, and the previous generation had already established that the mountain could see their position. The men stayed silent, staring at the map like they always do, as if it would reveal some miracle that would let them take out their enemy.

Clarke was leaning forward on the table, her knuckles supporting her while she thought. Or at least that’s what Lexa had come to believe. There was no other explanation. She had locked eyes with Clarke many times in these moments and not once had Clarke acted like she’d just been caught staring.

The brilliant blue gaze had settled itself on the buckle of Lexa’s shoulder armour today. Lexa moved her hands up, settling her elbows on the armrests of her chair to draw Clarke’s gaze, to test her theory.

She pulled a knife from her sleeve and started to toy with it, replicating her first carefully crafted meeting with Clarke only a few short weeks ago. She twisted the knife around on her finger. Lexa wanted to catch the sun, both literally and metaphorically. She wanted to snap Clarke out of whatever was going on inside without ruining whatever had been happening for the past few days.

One of the men broke the spell of silence that had passed over the tent, and Lexa cursed quietly. She let the knife fell into her lap, and she turned her attention to him. She missed Clarke snapping out of the trance. She missed the fast tinge of red that flooded Clarke’s cheeks.

\--------------------------------

There was a change after that day. What had been unnerving was now sorely missed, and Lexa noticed. Lexa thought for a moment that she had been imagining the last few days. If she actually thought about it, they always positioned themselves on opposite ends of the table. It was only natural for Clarke to zone out in Lexa’s direction.

Not that she was thinking about it.

In fact, Lexa wasn’t thinking about it so much that she didn’t notice that it was now she who was staring at Clarke. She watched the blonde every time they were together. Meetings, dinners, walks in the woods… they were all now opportunities to try to figure out the leader of the skaikru.

She noticed many things now that she was truly looking at Clarke. The most noticeable being that Clarke had a different look than the others, tri and skai alike. There weren’t many true blondes left--even Clarke’s own mother had more of that common mousy brown colour to her hair. She wore the same silly space clothes as all of the others. Too much colour, not enough practicality.

The most noticeable thing about Clarke came from the inside. She was stronger than some of the others, that much was clear. Her camps elders seemed to still be operating by the rules of space, where they had the opportunity to be kinder. Clarke seemed to know that the rules had changed.

Unfortunately, Lexa barely lasted a full day before her gaze was noticed. Blue eyes locked and Lexa’s widened for only a split second before she diverted her gaze to someplace over Clarke’s shoulder. Her lips tightened momentarily as she swallowed. She wasn’t even sure what she was swallowing. There was no embarrassment, and certainly no feelings to be ashamed of. No feelings that couldn’t be worked away on the training field, at least.

“Shof op, Indra.” Lexa said the words quietly, knowing that only her general could hear her.

“Ai say nada.” She couldn’t see Indra, but Lexa could hear the smirk in the words. Indra had always been far too astute for her own good. It was one of her valuable qualities, along with knowing when to keep her nose out of something.

\---------------------------------------

Lexa was breathing heavily. She’d pinned down one of her warriors on the training field, her hand on his neck, her other hand jabbing a training dagger--a stick--against the armour on his side. She stayed like that for a long moment before standing and extending a hand to help him up. Her chest was heaving and her mind was clear for the first time in weeks.

For the first time since they’d started entertaining the notion of freeing the mountain with the Sky People. With Clarke.

She tossed the stick onto a pile with the others. Hand-to-hand always managed to cool her down.

“Again!” Lexa’s voice carried over the field and another warrior, a woman this time, came out to greet her. Lexa removed the rest of her gear lazily but quickly, her fingers working the belts across her chest in a practiced motion. She didn’t need the extra protection. What she needed was to feel the moves. And that was how the two girls, a commander and a gona, ended up facing each other across the field with nothing but their basic cloth to protect them.

Lexa nodded at the girl--she can’t have been much older than 16--and the pair ran at each other. The girl got the upper hand right away. Lexa was on the ground before she could really get a read on this girl’s style. She was young, but she knew to take advantage of being the unknown. Everyone had seen Lexa fight, even if it had been a few weeks. But now Lexa’s face was smeared with mud and she was ready to get all this built up tension out of her system.

The girl gave Lexa a chance to jump up, and that was her mistake. Lexa leaned into her back and jumped up onto both feet into an offensive stance. They circled each other for only a moment before they sparred again. They wrestled head to head for a moment before it all started to go wild. They dropped each other and got back up so many times that neither girl was really sure who was winning. Lexa’s challenger tried to jump up, legs wrapped around Lexa’s shoulder to bring her down, but Lexa only used that to her advantage. They rolled in the middle of the training field and a crowd began to form.

For the trikru in the crowd, the fighting was a chance to display different moves, to learn and adapt and become better. For the Skai? There was nothing wrong with showing a little dominance. Showing them whose army they needed and why.

The spar finally came to an end when Lexa got a hold of one of her challenger’s kicks. She used her momentum to crouch down and back up under the girl, pulling the failed kick with her until he challenger fell off balance. The girl fell forward and Lexa was on top of her, pulling her hands back behind her until she tapped the dirt with her free foot.

Finally she was relaxed.

“Chof, gona.” Lexa stood up, extending an arm to help the other girl up before whirling around to get her things from the edge of the field. She was wiping the dirt from her shirt when her eyes were drawn to her shoulder armour. Rather than being on the ground, the gear was being held by someone. A blonde someone.

A blonde someone who was staring right at her with a look that said more than just ‘Wow, that was impressive. I should learn those moves.’

Never before had Lexa been happier that her chest was already heaving from exertion. Otherwise the skip in her breath might have actually been noticeable. “Clarke.” Lexa took her armour from Clarke’s hands and nodded her appreciation before walking away.

So much for taking care of all that tension.

\---------------------------------------

Clarke entered Lexa’s tent without announcing herself--as usual--just as Lexa was tightening the last belt around her waist. Any thoughts were interrupted by the blonde before Lexa so much as had a chance to turn around and look at her. So she didn’t. She leaned over the planning table and busied herself with the maps while Clarke spoke.

“I can see now...” Lexa could feel Clarke’s eyes boring into the back of her head. “... I can see why you’re commander.”

“The training ground is a good place for warriors to learn and improve themselves. Octavia has been taking advantage… I’m sure you and the others could benefit as well.” Lexa had been avoiding being along with Clarke for just this reason. Clarke was too magnetic. Her weak and untrained body was more than compensated by a mind that could keep anyone busy for days. And those eyes.

“Maybe if I train with the children.” Clarke’s words made Lexa laugh despite herself.

“The infants, perhaps.” There was a moment of silence before Lexa turned around and looked at Clarke. “You’ll all need to learn at some point. You’re too dependent on your guns and bullets. What will happen when they run out? Will your guard be only Octavia?”

“And Bellamy, if we can get him out before they catch him.”

“You care too much about him.”

Clarke’s emotions were painted all over her face. This conversation wasn’t going the way she’d intended. “I couldn’t have kept us alive all this time without him. We need him.”

“We may need him to die. That’s what it means to be a leader, Clarke. To make the hard decisions.” This was the first time they’d had prolonged eye contact. The first time one didn’t look away when they’d noticed they’d been caught. “We have to be able to look into the eyes of our warriors and say Go die for me.”

Clarke’s eyes narrowed and Lexa stood her ground. “We don’t need to die to win.”

“And you’re willing to risk everything on that? On your feelings?” She knew the moment the words left her lips that she’d said the wrong thing.

“Yes.” Clarke let her anger bubble and Lexa could feel her own feelings begin to boil. “You might think showing feelings is weak, Lexa… but you’re weak for hiding from them.” Clarke took a tiny step forward, forcing Lexa to step back. “I know you feel. I’ve seen you. You felt something for Gustus.” The next step brough Gustus back to the front of Lexa’s mind. The feeling of her blade running into his body. “You’re still haunted by Costia. ” How dare she bring up Costia. Clarke didn’t know… she couldn’t. Lexa would never get the image of Costia’s severed head rolling out onto the ground in front of her from her mind. “You want everyone to think you’re above it all. But I see right--” Lexa’s back hit a table. Her hands instinctively went back to grab at it. She needed to find some ground to stand on. This wasn’t right. “-through you. I’ve seen you watching me. In the meetings. At dinner. The way you look at me. Is that just another feeling you’re going to swallow down until it becomes manageable? Is that what today was? Against that girl? You can’t grind what you feel into the dirt.”

“Get. Out.” Lexa snarled the words. She had to take back her footing. This was her camp. Her tent. She had no intention of standing there… No intention of listening to someone who’d barely lived in her world for two months lecture her on her feelings.

“People are dying, Lexa. 250 people died in that village and you let them burn.” Clarke’s voice was barely above a whisper and Lexa missed last week, when the most interesting thing about their interactions was a little bit of staring.

Her voice was shaky when she spoke, the weight of the sacrifice at TonDC weighing on her. But she would do it again. She had saved the person who mattered. Mattered to the alliance, that was. “Not everyone.” Her eyes were betraying her, and Lexa was glad that she’d managed to apply her warpaint before Clarke came in. This close to the blonde, the black streaks were her last refuge. “Not you.”

Lexa’s eyes never left Clarke’s but she lost the ability to process what was happening. She was lost in the space that those eyes had spent a lifetime seeing. The commander was spending too much energy holding herself together. If she paid attention, she couldn’t hold on. If she paid attention, it would be over. And so Lexa missed the look of confusion in Clarke’s eyes. The quick dart down across Lexa’s face that held so much more than a simple analysis of a foe during an argument. The expression that moved across Clarke’s eyes was a realization that Lexa wasn’t ready to have.

Thankfully, Clarke turned and walked out of the tent without another word, and with the flutter of the canvas over the door, the tension disappeared. Even alone, Lexa’s eyes flicked to the top of the tent before closing for a second. She took a breath and looked down. It was easier when Clarke was just staring.

\-------------------------------------------

Their next meeting was--there was no other word for it--awkward. Lexa had actually never felt more awkward in life. The war council was discussing the plan for the umpteenth time, trying to nail down the responsibilities of each division and Lexa was playing a strange game of back and forth with the delegation from the sky.

Indra was in the middle of a status update about the training of some of the volunteers from the sky camp. They were doing well, apparently. The Commander wasn’t really paying attention. Lexa would catch Clarke’s eyes in the split second before they darted away in a small huff and not minutes later Clarke would catch Lexa doing the same. It was an amusing game of tag… for Indra. For Lexa, it was distracting. She needed to be running the meeting, not thinking about Clarke.

Clarke. Clarke and her hair. Clarke and her mind. Clarke and her eyes. Those eyes that wouldn’t keep themselves off of her.

“Bellamy is taking too long.” Lexa tapped her fingers on the table. Regardless of how long he took, she couldn’t see a way out of it. He was integral to the plan. Without disabling the acid fog, the war would be over before it had even begun. Without Bellamy, she would have to send her troops home. “The warriors grow weary of waiting for the sky people to act.” She had to speak for her people, she had no other choice. She couldn’t even begin to explain the science behind what Clarke and Raven and Bellamy were trying to accomplish, and even if she could, her warriors wouldn’t understand or care. Just as the sky people could never understand why the army outside was so impatient. They were just too different, and if Bellamy failed, Lexa would have to deal with the amped up army she’d assembled.

“We’re working around the clock.” Clarke’s tone was clipped in her annoyance. “It’ll take as long as it takes. ”

For the first time in the meeting, Clarke and Lexa locked eyes. It felt very much like the previous night in her tent. Lexa swallowed thickly, her jaw tightening slightly. She kept Clarke’s gaze for as long as possible--barely 5 seconds--before looking away. Her eyes darted around the tent: to the ceiling, to the post in the center, to the furs on her chair… anywhere but Clarke’s eyes. She looked back only for a moment to find Clarke still looking at her, a curious look taken over her features.

“We’re accomplishing nothing.” Lexa exhaled slowly. It was as close to a sigh as she was going to allow herself. “Dismissed. Except Clarke.”

Lexa trained her eyes on a free piece of rope just over Clarke’s shoulder as everyone else began to leave. She wanted Clarke to leave too, but she’d already asked her to stay. She needed more control, her mind was going off on its own far too much. Clarke was a distraction, and Lexa wanted this war over so that Clarke and her gaze would just leave her be.

“I understand that it takes time.” She had to say something. “But they don’t. They only understand blood.“ Clarke was rounding the table--so they could have a conversation? Something about being personal? Lexa didn’t understand some of the pointless social cues. They could hear each other just fine on opposite ends of the room.

“I know that, Lexa. But without Bellamy we have nothing.” Clarke was standing uncomfortably close now--about two feet away. “And I have a feeling that it’ll be harder to tell your army to pack up and go home then it will be to have them wait for him.” She moved closer, her voice breathier than usual. It was that idiotic understanding tone that people used when they were having a personal conversation. Less business, just a little too casual. Even though Lexa was still staring down at the table, she knew Clarke was looking at her. She was always looking at her.

“I trust you.” Lexa swallowed and turned her head to look at Clarke. “If you trust that he can do it... ” She shrugged. “Then I trust you.”

“I know how hard that is for you.” Clarke’s head tilted to the side and their eyes locked. “You need to let yourself feel that sometimes.”

“I don’t think you want to know what I feel.”

Feeling. That was the thing that was making this all a nightmare. Ever since this whole distracting chain of events started, Lexa had been pulled into a tornado of feelings. She’d shut them down at every turn, turning the staring into something to observe instead of something to think about.

Lexa had ignored everything. Everything except the slow, bubbling rage that she had for the mountain men in their acidic, sterile throne.  She had pushed down her hunger for immediate battle in order to appease Clarke and her plan. She’d pushed down the greed she’d felt, the feeling that she’d wanted Clarke’s eyes resting nowhere else but her. She’d ignored the twinge of envy whenever she saw Clarke laughing--because why couldn’t it be her who made that happen? That feeling of pride in her heart when she’d gotten up in the dust of the training ground… the pride of knowing that Clarke had seen how good she was. And more than anything, Lexa was very quickly realizing, was the desire she had for more.

“Try me. You’re surviving like this, sure. But shouldn’t life be about more than just surviving?” Clarke looked away, down at some trinket on the table, almost like she couldn’t handle Lexa’s gaze any longer. “Don’t you deserve… no. We deserve better than that.”

While Clarke was turned away, Lexa’s eyes darted down. She could let herself feel. They might be dead in a day, and it would be terrible if she didn’t let herself feel just one last time. “Maybe we do.” Lexa’s breath stopped for the slightest of moments and Clarke looked up. Their eyes met and Lexa lifted her hand to cup Clarke’s cheek. She leaned forward quickly, with no preamble, watching Clarke for a reaction just up until the point that their lips touched. For a moment Lexa wasn’t sure Clarke was going do anything.

And suddenly they were both lost. Nothing existed beyond the tent. There was somehow both a passion and a sweetness to the kiss. Nearly a week of staring at each other had finally boiled over, and yet neither one of them made any effort to ruin the moment.

Lexa felt Clarke’s hand on her arm just as they separated. Lexa took a short breath before attempting to close the distance again, but before she could, Clarke was backing away. Lexa dropped her hand and retreated a half-step just as Clarke began to apologize.

“I’m sorry… I’m...” Lexa watched Clarke swallow thickly. She’d seen that technique before. Shutting down. This was why Lexa didn’t allow herself to-- “Not yet.” Lexa started to get herself back into the Commander’s frame of mind. She straightened her neck and lifted her chin, readying for the worst. She’d ruined the alliance. “Lexa… Maybe we can wait to feel that until after we get our people back?”

Lexa nodded only slightly, but this time, she allowed herself a small smile. She felt like she’d already conquered the mountain.

 


End file.
